Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
