somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
