I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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