there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
