we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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