Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
