I'm so fucking centered right now
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ?
I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
