Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
not ubering you a puppy
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