I only kidnapped one of them. chill
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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