if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize