Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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