If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
