I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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