My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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