Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
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