He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
The uberlube is also flammable
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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