woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
