So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
