A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
