Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
