Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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