Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You need a sexual gate keeper
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
