He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I am naked and annoyed.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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