three words: i give head
three words: not that well
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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