the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
