I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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