The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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