I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
