I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
