I didn't shave. On purpose
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
