He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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