Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
