I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
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