god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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