god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
