Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
