hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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