sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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