So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Randomize
