So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
