They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
