so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
