I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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