please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
