38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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