ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
