You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
i love accidental penises.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Randomize
