Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
