I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
