guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Found the puke drawer
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
